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A place for contemplation

I should be taking him to buy a suit but instead I’ve applied to have a bench sited in his memory! One of those milestones you cherish is prom. Yes, it’s an American idea that has travelled over here and stuck, but the kids love it don’t they? Most of them. It’s their last chance to wave off school and all those years of friendships and education, and all that hard work put into studying and taking their exams. I’ve already taken Jessica prom dress shopping and we’re planning to go again later this month, and what I’ve also planned is finally having a space to sit at Harry resting place, that belongs to us and is carved with his name. In loving memory of Harry Joseph Mould 29.10.03 - 31.03.09. It’s not what you plan for at all. I should be watching for my son walking out of a changing room looking handsome and dapper with a cheeky grin on his face. Just like I watched his twin sister emerge from the curtains in an array of dress styles, all of which looked amazing and suited her. Beautiful and unassuming. It’s daring to think about her next chapter and what it might bring. You never really know what the future holds and planning and thinking ahead is a challenge in itself under our circumstances. Everything I once thought the future held is not real. But at the same time I look to the future with such anticipation and excitement for my children because that’s what parents do isn’t it ?! To be a source of guidance, support and encouragement and hope and pray and be proud. Ultimately all we want is to watch our children flourish and be happy, succeed in their goals and accomplish their dreams.

So what if I have built those ideals that he would have been a thoughtful sensitive and handsome young man who treated his friends and family so beautifully?! Only to then be angry that I can’t prove it! I have the right to make these ideals up, they’re all I have left of him and I have the right to be angry at those responsible. It’s more so at these poignant times that those feelings are more likely to flood back; ‘why me’ ‘it’s not fair’ ‘he shouldn’t have died’. The anger and resentment bubbles and it can be a hard task to settle them down again. I’ve learnt over the years that it’s not healthy to hang onto the negativity and bitterness. I know life is not fair and I know Harry should never have died and it’s an endless cycle that I have to balance. But I also know I need to go through these emotions, explore them and give myself time as ignoring them can give a negative response. I’ve been guilty of blocking them and ignoring them for other people, in response to ignorance of understanding. Should I feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed and crying, being upset and/or angry? Would it be better if I hid my feelings (for everyone else?) so that I don’t show my real self and risk being tarred with ‘she’s not over it’ or facing the suggestion that I’m not resilient ??

At least before long I will hopefully have a bench to sit at on for those days when all I want to do is scream and cry and when I recognise that all I can do is stop and think. A place for contemplation.

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Odette x